On July 5th we lost our sweet Cookie girl. Struggling to find the words to even write about it is impossible. What was a routine procedure to knock her out and pull blood ultimately cost her life. And I was the one who made the decision to do it. Her recovery was not good, and despite everything, we lost her the following morning. To say this was a shock doesn’t begin to explain how stunned and horrified we are. In over twenty years we have never had anything like this happen. Necropsy results showed heart disease that had never been detected. She had tissue wrapped around tendons to her heart and she had thrown blood clots. Erica also found necrotic sections in her kidney. Even though Dr. Lipanovich said it could have happened at any time, it’s not a comfort knowing she’s gone. In my wildest nightmares, I never would have imagined that we would lose Cookie this way, she was just twelve years old.

Cookie came to us in 2006. She was purchased at auction by a woman who thought it would be cool to have a cougar cub. That only lasted a few months before she changed her mind and wanted her gone.

Cookie was such a sweet-natured girl that we joked she was an angel in a cougar suit. She thrived at the sanctuary even though she was the smallest of the cougars. She shared a habitat with Nyssa until we moved to the new site. At that point, she moved in with Caden because Nyssa was too pushy. That worked out great because both Caden and Cookie just wanted to enjoy life and get along. It was quite a sight to see Cookie letting Caden know she was the boss even though he was so much bigger.

Cookie had the most endearing face, the fuzziest ears, the sweetest purrs, and chirps and we all adored her. She was never aggressive, always welcoming, and hearing her chip when she saw us warmed our hearts and made us love her even more.

Losing so many of our wildcats has been difficult, but with the older cats somehow it gives us the opportunity to make peace with it.

Losing Cookie was gut-wrenching in a way that I didn’t think possible and left me wondering if I’d ever be able to say her name without bursting into tears. So far I haven’t gotten to that point and even thinking about her being gone is crushing. We love all of the rescues and our hearts break with each loss, but having cared for Cookie from such a young age and watching her grow and be such a huge part of our lives makes the grief even harder to live with.

I apologize for such a long post, I had hoped by writing it would make it easier to process but it’s only made it more painful. Cookie was supposed to grow old with us having many more years left to live. This life is so cruel and I don’t understand why things happen the way they do especially to the most innocent of creatures. Safe travels little girl, it was truly an honor and joy to love and care for you. Many broken hearts are left behind.

I’m struggling to find the words to let everyone know that we lost Neko. Expressing how much he meant to me is difficult. All the wildcat rescues are special but Neko leaves a hole in my heart that will never be filled. He and Noni (his brother) were confiscated out of an apartment in Indiana as cubs and both were declawed and very sick. I flew out to pick him up and at 13 lbs. he rode under the seat in front of me all the way back to Oregon. He was the first cougar we had ever taken in, he was so sad, and sick and I fell madly, completely in love. Two months after he came, Noni arrived in even worse shape than Neko, and of course, I fell in love all over again.

Caring for them almost nineteen years was an experience like no other and I’m so grateful to have had that time. Neko was the bravest of the two and more outgoing than Noni but they were devoted to each other. They shared the most wonderful purrs and chirps with me and were rarely ever cross. Over the past year, we started to see a change where they slowed down with Neko having the most problems. The declaw that they suffered as babies were starting to take its toll but we managed the pain with medication hoping to buy more time.

In the past few months, Neko had more and more trouble walking, his back end would wobble and he’d sit down so he didn’t fall. We consulted with our vets and tried different medication but three days ago, Neko told me it was time. His body had worn out and there was nothing we could do other than ease him peacefully to the other side.

Writing this all the memories come rushing back and break my heart all over again. He was so dear to me and to Noni and I worry how Noni will get along without him. I hope better than me because I’m gutted . . . Rescue is experiencing the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and losing Neko is something I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life. I know he’s no longer in pain and it’s selfish of me to wish he was still here but I do, I can’t help it. Safe travels beautiful boy, thank you for sharing your life with me and I hope you knew just how loved you were.️ ❤️